It’s a question I’ve spent the past four months asking myself on an almost daily basis. Having a full slate the past semester with five classes and working full time (gotta have insurance), I felt like I was constantly sacrificing my free time towards school work, observation in my clinical class, or catching up on sleep, which isn’t to say that I ever squashed my optimism about having free time by hitting the brakes on my entertainment purchases. No, I kept on buying books, comics, video games, CDs, records, etc. during my educational entrapment, which leaves me a bit baffled about what exactly to do during my free time.

I’ve been trying to catch up on an embarrassingly large DVD backlog (both my own DVDs and those arriving weekly from Netflix), but I have a hard time watching an entire film in one sitting, the back of my mind constantly shifting back and forth with thoughts of what to do next or even what I could be doing instead. Since I’m not having to wake up at 7:15 AM anymore to face a stressful 45+ minute drive, I’ve been overcompensating on sleep, often sleeping past noon and lounging about as though I were unemployed.

I think one of my biggest problems – and it’s nothing severe – is that I’ll often buy things before I’ve properly enjoyed the things I already have. I’ve got a mound of half-read comics, books, magazines, etc. growing by my bed that I sometimes think I’ll never get around to reading. Still, I’ll often go out and peruse book stores when I’m bored instead of brewing up a pot of coffee and sitting at home reading, often returning home with a new addition for the ever-growing pile. I’m the same way with video games, though the $60 price tag on new video games tends to inhibit those purchases more often than not. I feel like one of the consumer zombies in Dawn of the Dead (1978); I don’t quite know what to do with myself, might as well go shopping.

I’ve been insanely busy with both school and work, but luckily I’ve finished up the 30 hours of required observation in my clinical class and won’t have to deal with that any more this semester. My two big issues right now are my British Literature class and my Statistics course. The last test I took in BritLit was a rude awakening that I may need to actually read some shit this time around instead of skimming Sparknotes. I got a little cocky after my last test and figured I wouldn’t read much besides the poetry, since it was short and sweet. This led to rediscovering something that I’ve long felt but haven’t had the need to express in a long time:

Poetry sucks.

Is there any more self-indulgent and mostly worthless form of human expression? As with anything, there are definitely exceptions, but they’re so few and far between that the tidal wave of suck almost swallows them in its wake. I don’t think poetry is wholly worthless, but basically, if you’re going to write poetry and want attention for doing so, how about doing so in the context of a band? People like music. What people don’t like is some self-indulgent shit so full of opaque references to whateverthefuck. It’s no coincidence that when people think of poetry they think of over-read little pseudo-Bohemian fucks at open-mic night in some dingy little cafe.

Unfortunately I can’t claim innocence in regards to poetry. A few years ago when I was stumbling through a fog of self-imposed misery, I used to scribble shit in notebooks while in classes I cared nothing for. So much so, in fact, that I have a large stack of loose paper and a few half-full notebooks full of this horrible, terrible, embarrassing shit that I’m half-tempted to set on fire to bring about catharsis; A purging of the suck.

All of this leads back to my other point (I had a point?). Statistics suck too, which is something I think any rational human feels at least a half-dozen times when taking in TV, web or print news for any length of time. What sucks about my class in particular is that the professor, despite his ample age, has never taught a statistics course before, meaning that we all get to learn it together. I guess I was wrong in thinking that an accredited institution should have qualified individuals on its payroll.

I’m so sick of school and not having free time right now that I sometimes wish that humanity had never gotten over the whole ‘hunter-gatherer’ thing. To make matters worse, I’ll probably be taking three (shitty filler) classes this summer just so I don’t get even further behind in my quest to achieve that piece of paper that lets future employers know that I spent some of my better years wasting away at a desk under flickering fluorescent lights.

Goddamnit.

For a long time I felt that my life was simply meandering and moving forward with no destination. Sadly, I still feel like that sometimes. What makes the recent feelings worse is that I’m taking steps to rectify the ennui and what feels like aimless drifting by going to school full-time and am left with what feels like little more than time-consuming monotony. I don’t mean to sound like a pretentious know-it-all, but most of my classes are just busy work. I had the highest grade on the first test in my English class and I didn’t even read the last (and longest) book of the unit. In addition to this, I have to drive 80 miles round-trip three days a week to attend classes, which generally leaves me with little free time, or free time in such insignificant chunks that it might as well not even be free time. In addition to this I’ve got two English classes, which means I’m usually having to read one and a half or two novels per week, which means I don’t have time to read anything of my own choosing.

I’m probably just now starting to feel the downside of taking so long to figure out what I wanted to do in school. I’m going to have to take two summer classes just to be able to get in to my professional program for the fall semester or face tacking yet another semester on to the end my seemingly endless college career. I don’t claim to have any knowledge about what particulars make people depressed or contribute to the loss of hope, but I do have a guess. It seems like lack of control is the major contributing factor to mental exhaustion and eventual breakdown. While I feel like I’m ultimately in control of my life, the lack of results or any sign of progress is what I seem to be facing. It feels like no matter how hard I run, or for how long, I can always count on looking back over my shoulder and seeing where I was a year ago at a pitiful distance right behind me.

For now all I can do is keep running.

Q: What Should I do if I’m in the fast lane and cars are routinely passing me on my right side as I talk on my phone for 20 miles straight?

A: The first thing you should do is immediately change to the next lane. Upon achieving that, your next goal should be pulling over. Most drivers agree that shoving their cellphone up their stupid fucking ass is much more manageable while parked on the side of the road.

I bought the V for Vendetta graphic novel shortly before the movie came out (as evidenced by my printing’s tacky “now a major motion picture” blurb), planning to read it before seeing the movie. I started it initially and didn’t finish it for some reason or another, and skipped out on the movie as well. I had added the movie to my Netflix queue some time ago and bumped it to the top in the past week or so, planning on quickly reading the book before watching the movie. I finished the book yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it. Like Watchmen, which I read before it, Alan Moore masterfully interweaves subplots left and right, always managing to tie them all together into a coherent, layered and thoughtful narrative. With little time to let the impact of the book really settle, I decided tonight to move ahead with the movie. What a huge mistake. What a huge fucking mistake.

I don’t claim to be an expert in film and thus, filmmaking, but when your work is based on a comic book, to me it would seem that you have minimal work to do, as the medium you’re working with is both visual and narrative. Much of the work has already been done for you. It’s hard to point out exactly where V for Vendetta goes wrong, because there are so many things wrong with it that it’s impossible to lay the blame in one area. At the core, Alan Moore’s writing doesn’t transfer to film very well, at least not the kind of psuedo-intelligent popcorn movie that V turned out to be. It is to be expected when adapting a book into a two-hour movie that a subplot or two may be trimmed for time purposes, but when you trim even a single subplot from V for Vendetta, you not only lose a lot, but you alter the whole meaning and impact of the story. Essentially, those involved have turned the anti-totalitarian story I perceived to be about personal freedom and self-responsibility into a shitty “rah rah, the people will rise” pile of horseshit that only a Hot Topic customer in a Che Guevara t-shirt could love.

I knew something smelled funny less than ten minutes in, when Evey is harassed for breaking curfew, not for attempted prostitution. Had the rest of the movie gone on in a manner even loosely based on the book, I could have overlooked that detail. Unfortunately the film turned into a series of groan-inducing changes, rather mundane cinematography and an ending that would make anyone who’s read the book just shake their head in dismay at what should have ended as a cinematic abortion in the early stages of development.

One huge problem that modern-day “movies with a message” seem to be having is the lack of subtlety. Children of Men (which I liked) suffered from the same problem to a degree. It’s fine up to a point to want to make the events of a film relate to real events of the recent past or present, but when you change major plot points for no other detectable reason other than to preach to the choir, you’ve got problems. In the novel, the fascist government sets up shop after a vaguely referred to war and nuclear attack. In the movie, the St. Mary Virus, supposedly released by terrorists, is responsible for the chaos and ensuing fascist totalitarian government. Towards the end of the movie, V reveals to Finch that the government was responsible for the attacks, a rather blunt and ham-fisted bone toss to the 9/11 ‘Truthers’ who claim that our nation’s largest terrorist attack was an inside job.

After I finish a movie, often I’ll hit up IMDB to see what the user score is and how much I agree or disagree with the populaced at large. I was shocked to find that V for Vendetta currently enjoys an average score of 8.2, with over 120,000 votes, making it IMDB’s 144th movie in their top 250. Oddly enough, this places it right above Children of Men. Baffled, I checked Rotten Tomatoes as well, to find that it has a 72% approval rating there. It boggles the mind. One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my lifetime is apparently well-revered by the public as well as the bulk of the critics. I’ve seen some shitty movies in my day, some of which have pandered to their audience pretty heavily, but they did so shamelessly (Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College, anyone?). Perhaps those involved in making V for Vendetta should take the time to re-read Valerie Page’s notes on integrity, or better yet, the book itself.

Fuck. It’s hard to know what to say about the death of someone that’s been such an influence in my life and musical tastes over the years. Lance Hahn, singer/guitarist for J Church and Cringer, passed away after slipping into a coma after he collapsed during a dialysis treatment.

I first discovered J Church, like I did with so much of the music I loved as a teenager, through a cheap compilation. It was Honest Don’s Greatest Shits, which had the song “Undisputed King of Nothing” on it. I don’t remember anything else on that comp, but I still love “Undisputed King of Nothing” and purchased several J Church albums based on the strength of that song alone. I would reconnect with Lance’s music a few years later through another comp, Lookout’s reissue of their late 80’s classic “The Thing That Ate Floyd,” which featured Cringer’s excellent rendition of “Cottleston Pie.”

I really regret the fact that I never got to see J Church live. The closest I got was when they played in Columbia during a rare tour in 2003. I really wanted to go, but classes started the next day, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to drag my ass out of bed after driving two hours and getting home at 3 a.m. or later.

The first J Church album I bought was a used copy of the singles compilation Meaty, Beaty, Shitty Sounding, which sounded anything but shitty. I can sing the words to most every song on it (even the ELO covers that start things off) and I still go through phases where I’ll drag out my J Church CDs and bask in their greatness. The greatest strength of Lance’s songwriting to me has always been that while you know the guy’s extremely knowledgeable, and his record collection would slay your own, he retains a level of pop accessibility and mastery, and isn’t afraid to let influences through that the “cool kids” would probably shit on. Lance always seemed to me like the kind of guy that’s smarter than you, who possesses the rare gift of being able to capably express feelings and ideas, but who would never rub his intelligence in your face, possessing a subtlety that’s all-too-rare in the music world.

There’s so much more I’d like to say, but I feel like I’m rambling already. I could elaborate on how almost any J Church song makes me feel, but it will only make it seem like goodbye, and with a catalogue as wide and emotionally significant as Lance Hahn left behind, the music will always be there.

The lights are going down,
It’s late at night in an early town,
Save yourself, don’t hang around,
Put your dreams in lost and found,
I know that you’ll want to stay,
I know that you’ll run away,
Your eyes are on the ground,
It’s closing time in an early town

Austinist article
J Church homepage

I’ve been meaning to post this for quite a while now, but I’ve finally gotten around to it. As most people heard about a few months ago, WWE wrestler Chris Benoit killed his wife and child before hanging himself in his home. It was a huge fiasco for the WWE, who came under fire for the stress their touring roster is constantly under, as well as bringing up the whole steroid debacle again. I thought it was pretty funny that the WWE had a tribute to the late Benoit on one of their numerous weekly shows before the facts were in, and thus had egg on their face yet again for paying tribute to a murderer. I have a sick sense of humor, and thus find humor in things that a lot of people consider humorless or crass to laugh at. I don’t think it’s funny that he killed his wife and child, but that doesn’t mean I’m above exploiting it for shock value and, let’s face it, a cheap laugh. If I were pretentious, I might say something like “I’m reminding everyone that death is always just around the corner, live every moment like it’s your last” or “Millions of children starve to death around the world each year. This is my reaction to the media’s overabundant coverage of this relatively minor tragedy.” It’s a good thing I’m not pretentious, because both of those statements are completely generic and full of shit.

We have a series of displays at the counter where I work, and for a while we had a morbid habit of displaying DVDs featuring recently deceased celebrities. Steve “the Crocodile Hunter” Irwin and Anna Nicole Smith were but two of the celebrities featured on this display. After the whole Benoit incident, someone grabbed a used copy of a WWE DVD we had featuring Benoit on the cover and put it up front. I’m certainly not the most witty or artistic person, but I do love to squeeze in a shitty joke wherever possible (ask my coworkers). Taking advantage of how Benoit was posed, I spent maybe five minutes doodling little caricatures of a woman and a baby being smothered by a pillow, plus a noose for good measure. I’m never sure when I’ve reached “too much.” So anyway, what follows is a scan of the DVD itself, with my little cartoons overlaid with scotch tape:

(click for full size)

Not that great, but I thought it was funny. I didn’t put it back up on display like that, but someone I work with did, and it received lots of reluctant laughs and a few sarcastic “You wrong for that!” types of replies. No one was ever actually offended by it, or I should say, no one I ever actually met face to face. A few weeks later I heard rumblings of an email a coworker received where some guy had complained about my antics. It wasn’t long before the email made the rounds and I eventually had my own printed out copy as a trophy for piercing some wrestling fan’s thin skin. Here’s a pic of the email, with a crease from where it was stored in my pocket:

(click for full size)

Here’s the actual text in case the picture ever peters out:

My wife and I visited your store around 1:45 pm on Tuesday, 7/10, and we saw on the counter a wrestling DVD with Chris Benoit on the cover. Someone had taken the time to draw and cut out stickers depicting Benoit killing his wife and son, and added them to the DVD.

We have been regular customers at Earshot, even during its days as Manifest Discs, but we will no longer visit your store because of this appalling display.

I called back to your store to (politely) express my displeasure, suggesting that it be taken down, and that the person who created the display should be reprimanded. I also stated that I would no longer purchase wrestling DVDs from your store because of this display.

The guy I spoke with replied sarcastically that the display would not be taken down, and that the person that created it would not be reprimanded. When I asked why, he said that since I would not be buying wrestling DVDs from the store, it didn’t matter.

Because of this despicable display and the unprofessional attitude I received when I expressed my displeasure, we will not be shopping at Earshot.

I realize that any company has the right to display whatever they like in their store, but I think this display is in poor taste, and I don’t consider it to be good business to thumb your nose at paying customers. That’s the fastest way to lose business, just as you’ve lost mine.

First off, I’ll admit it: I’m surprised that this email is worded as cohesively as it is. Second, I’ve got to say that it’s a little ironic for someone who’s so into a pastime that’s as violent and crass as wrestling to be offended by some poorly-drawn cartoons. It was our operations manager Randy who answered the phone and more or less laughed at the guy’s requests. I take great pleasure in the fact that Randy pointed out how futile it would be for us to remove an offensive display for a customer who already claimed he would no longer shop at our store. Most everyone else I work with got a laugh out of the failed fiasco as well.

My point is this: anything that can be laughed at, should be laughed at. Don’t be so thin-skinned about everything and learn to laugh at life (and death). I could get on some high horse about the First Amendment, but if I learned anything in school, it’s that there are few harder groups to teach than rabid wrestling fans.

I’m currently taking an English class entitled “Life Writing,” where we write short stories about our lives and experiences. This is a pretty easy, relaxed class, especially for someone like myself who enjoys writing, even though I don’t write nearly as much as I would like to. The most interesting part, aside from hearing people’s amusing anecdotes about their lives, are the reactions we get from our peers in the page-long critiques that we’re all required to write for everyone’s pieces. The first piece I turned in was simply an expansion of something I’d already written on this blog, which can be found here. It’s about my general resentment about being raised in a religious family and dreading the forced weekly church attendance and the youth group atmosphere. I fully expected that by laying out something with an anti-religious vibe that I would receive some negative feedback from it. Surprisingly, most of the feedback was positive, even from religious people. One of he critiques I received was a little odd, though. For those wanting a full understanding of what was being replied to, the unedited version of what I turned in is available here (MS Word .doc file, 38kb). Here are a few choice quotes from the critique:

“You need to look at other religions and see how they make you feel.”

Been there, done that. The only one even close to being rational is Buddhism, and that’s not even considered a religion depending on who you talk to. Also, why do I “need” to do anything but eat, sleep, shit and breathe?

“It is the concept of higher powers that keep [sic] society in check.”

Really? That’s it? I’m more inclined to think that fear of retribution from ones peers is the source of far greater restraint among those in a society than fear of any deity. Why do you think that there are more adulterers than there are murderers? Because adultery, which is, according to the Bible, of equal trespass against God, has lesser consequences from our fellow humans than murder, not to mention that adultery is far easier to hide.

“You have to find out who you are and then choose and you never know we all could be wrong. You’ll get your answers on the other side. You basically seem like a good person from the reading and you will figure out who you are.”

As far as I’m concerned, and I have found no evidence to the contrary, new findings concerning self-discovery and the readjustment of ones philosophy and outlook on life are necessary to continue to adapt to ones surroundings. As new information makes itself available to me, my opinions and knowledge will change to reflect what I’ve learned. The difference being, that I would rather patiently wait out the facts than make blind assumptions about what can never be known. There is a part of me that hates being wrong, a personality trait many associate with men and their stereotypically being stubborn, but another part of me realizes that being wrong is both a fact of life and extremely helpful as a chance for self-reflection and continued learning. By not making these blind assumptions, I both decrease my chances of being wrong and allow myself the open mind necessary to accept new things and incorporate them into my personality, or who I am. As for getting my answers “on the other side,” why not live a life that is free of self-imposed limits in the part that I am guaranteed without a doubt? Why should I limit life on Earth in order to maybe, maybe, live a life in supposed eternal bliss (which, if objective, will unlikely be bliss for everyone). The way I read this, which may be completely inaccurate, is that one day I will solidify exactly who I am, and will have less or non-existent doubts about myself and the world around me, a thought that seems absurd to me.

To paraphrase the late, great Robert Anton Wilson, once you believe something, you stop thinking about it. If you assume that what you know or have been told is the absolute truth, you stop considering the possiblity that it could be either absolute bullshit or only partially right. I prefer to keep my options open for everything, a mindset that appears to be frowned upon in the modern world. Those who see things as either black or white, particularly those who act upon it as enforcers of vigilante justice are celebrated, while those who prefer to see the grays are seen as weak or indecisive, easily exemplified by the reactions to any politician that changes their mind.

I’m not entirely sure where I was going with all of this, but I felt it needed addressing.

To say that my Creative Zen Vision:M is getting a little long in the tooth is an understatement. 30 gigabytes is simply not enough storage for any self-respecting music fan. Herein lies the problem: NO ONE is making an excellent high-capacity mp3 player. To get the obvious out of the way, I refuse to buy an iPod. Refuse, refuse, refuse. My reasoning is simple: The customizability on the iPod is atrocious, iTunes is garbage, and I’m not going to help perpetuate the Apple Cult. With that out of the way, my only other option at the moment is the Cowon iAudio X5, a player so close to the verge of being discontinued that I’m not even giving it a second thought. So what is every digital audio player manufacturer on the Earth busying itself with at the moment? Shoddy flash memory-based players with paltry memory or hulking and unnecessary personal media players with criminally bad battery life. Who honestly watches video on a 2.5” screen? Anyone? If so, why?

There is nothing inherently impossible in what I’m looking for. I feel like an LP enthusiast circa the late 1980’s, when it seems as if the market is taking huge steps backwards and perpetuating garbage. I’ll provide a basic break down what I want:

- At least 100GB of storage
- Support for mp3, but support for FLAC and OGG should ideally be included as well.

- A reasonably decent screen. I don’t care about watching movies on the thing, but I would like to see album art and have a custom background.

- Good to excellent playlist creation. The last player I had with decent options in creating a playlist on the player itself was a monstrous Zen Xtra in 2003. Every player I’ve had since then has been a gigantic step backwards. Whoever thought it was acceptable to require users to create playlists on their PCs and import those to the player shouldn’t qualify as human. And this “on-the-go” playlist nonsense is shameful.

- Absolutely no software required. No bullshit, bloated proprietary software should be necessary to drag my already-organized collection over to.

That’s it. I will put up with lackluster design and fiddle with half-assed controls if need be. It consistently amazes me that people are willing to put up with crap like iTunes and the limited functionality of the severely-crippled mass-market players. I don’t claim to be any sort of digital audio expert, but seriously, there isn’t a single good mp3 player on the market at the moment, and a soon-to-be discontinued player by a minor company is the best we’ve got. Are my expectations too high or are people just willing to settle for crap time and again?

I’ve long grappled with the concept of being a misanthrope, but lately I’ve come to accept it; a decision many of our customers at work seem intent on fortifying and making absolutely concrete. Take this scenario, for instance:

Sunday as we were closing, a lady with a kid in her arms approaches the exit door and starts knocking. As both registers had already been closed, I inform her that it wouldn’t do her any good to be able to come inside, as she wouldn’t be able to buy anything. She informs me that her boyfriend called up earlier and we were holding some DVDs for him. Failing to see how this changes the situation of both registers being closed, I let her know that we STILL can’t ring her up, and that we’ll be open tomorrow at 10am. About 5-10 minutes later, we get a call, which the store manager Brian takes. It’s either the lady or her boyfriend calling and cussing and pitching a fit because they couldn’t make it to the store during the 7 hours we were open Sunday. Raised voices are exchanged, etc., etc. I didn’t answer the phone, so I figure it’s not my business. While I’m busy putting shit back to get the store in decent enough shape to go home, they call again, this time even more threatening, as the shouted replies would indicate. Again, I didn’t answer the phone: not my business. Fast forward to today and her ghetto-ass boyfriend shows up and gives me a fucking staredown, so I stare him straight back in the eyes for a few seconds before getting annoyed and starting the following conversation:

“Can I help you?”
“Ya’ll should be better on the phone?”
“Huh? I haven’t answered the phone all day, but what’s wrong?”
“I had some movies up here on Sunday and ya’ll wouldn’t let my baby’s mama in to pick ‘em up.”
“Yeah, we were already closed at that point, both registers, there was nothing we could do.”
“She called up here and she ended up crying and shit, and I don’t want to start any trouble, but I spend money up here and[…………..]”

I was angry at this point, and don’t really remember the rest of what he said, but basically, the guy called up after his girlfriend got here too late and was threatening towards the store manager, but since I’m the only one his “baby’s mama” (his exact words) saw, I’m somehow responsible for the fact that he can’t contain his inherent ghetto-ness and act like a civilized fucking human.

Case in Point #2:

Again today, I’m at the register, and I ring a guy up for $40.80 in CDs. After consulting both his girlfriend and her daughter seeing if they have either $0.80 or a dollar so he can get three convenient $20s back, he pays for his CDs with $100. I count him back $59.20 in change, like I always do when I give people change back. Then the following conversation takes place:

“Count that back right.”
“Huh?”
“That ain’t the right change, count it back right.”
“How is that not the right change? It even says it here on the receipt.” [points to receipt]

So from this, I assume he’s wanting me to count it back in reverse order, adding it back up to $100, like old ladies in restaurants do. Fine, I’ll do it if it will get him the fuck out of my face, ruining my life:

“41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 50, 60, 80, 100.”
“Do it again.”
“What? I feel like I’m teaching kindergarten here.”
“Count it back right.”
“Are you serious? I seriously feel like I’m teaching kindergarten…41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 50, 60, 80, 100.”

At this point his girlfriend realizes what a fucking horrible choice she’s made in life and takes the smallest of steps in the right direction:

“Come on, it’s the right change!”
“I’m just teaching fat boy how to do it right.”

Nice. Not only nice, but incredibly ironic, since the guy talking this shit is no smaller than myself, so I (admittedly very weakly) fire back:

“Fat boy? You can’t even do simple math!”
“[mumbles]”
“Get out of here.”

At what point did either of these situations go awry? The only correct answer is that they went wrong when a stupid motherfucker didn’t understand simple courtesy, and the concepts of math and time as anyone who has even an elementary school education knows them. I don’t claim to be highly intelligent, extremely courteous, or even friendly, but I have minimum standards of behavior for myself, and expect around half of those standards from those around me. I know not everyone is going to be a winner, a charmer or even worthy of breathing, but the least they can do is be bearable to be around.